dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
