Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
