Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize