The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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