just come out here and I will go home with you...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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