Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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