I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
