Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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