You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
