Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We got so high we made milksteak
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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