I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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