So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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