You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
