i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
