mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
