hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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