i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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