Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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