and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
