Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
