Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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