I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
