Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize