4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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