i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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