The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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