worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
