All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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