you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Randomize
