But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
