Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
