We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
