I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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