the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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