It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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