The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize