i already hear my dad disowning me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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