I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize