That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
