You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
