Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
