I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
