eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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