Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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