I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
