I wish I could teleport
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
