I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
