my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
