My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
