i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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