You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
