hotel room ftw
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
