I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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