If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
