Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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