i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
