My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
