She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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