Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My Higher Power is John Stamos
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
A bitchslap is in order.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
