I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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