god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
COCAINE IS GR8
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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